The One That's Hard to Write

It has been seven years since my mom pasted away. It's so hard to believe that much time has come and gone by. What has happened over the past seven years?

I met Adam. I graduated high school. I started college. I traveled across the world. I got engaged. I got married. I graduated college. Adam and I bought a house. And now we're on this journey to find our child. So many times, I've wanted to pick up the phone and tell her about it all.

It feels like it was just yesterday. I came home after school to find my mom and her boyfriend of 12 years, dead. It was a murder-suicide. That day and the days following were some of the most difficult of my life. It made it even harder eight months later when my dad passed away from pancreatic cancer.

But the most important and life-changing thing that happened in the last seven years?  I found Christ. I knew who Jesus was prior to my mom's death, but didn't understand the steadfast love that He has for us. When I look back on those days, it is so evident that God was working in my life, even though I wasn't even seeking Him out.

We're working our way through the book of Genesis at church. This past Sunday, our pastor had to quickly cover chapters 40-45. He talked about how Joseph goes through many trials—including being sold into slavery by his own brothers and thrown into jail for a false accusation, and then suddenly becomes part ruler of Egypt. Through and through, Joseph continues to keep his faith in God.

Joseph wasn't wallowing about his problems or cursing God. He looked at his situation and saw value, because God put him there. He was divinely put in the spot as a recipient of grace.

When somethings bad happens in our lives, it's so easy to ask God why. Why did this happen to me? This isn't fair. Why her? 

Praising God and the situations He puts us in gives purpose to the suffering. As humans, we're sinners. And selfish. We think this story and this life is all about us. We try to find meaning in these hard times but putting the events into a story. The easiest story is that we are the victims. We make God and others (typically, those who have what we don't have), perpetrators of the crime. We become angry with God for putting us in the situation. We become angry with others who have what we lost. And we're okay with being angry. Because we're victims. 

Another story is that we are the hero. We're able to jump over the hurdle and defeat the enemies by an amazing amount of strength that we have. All on our own.

Or we can understand that we are recipients of God's grace. Instead of trying to cast yourself in the main role as a victim or hero, cast yourself aside as an extra. The one who has received the grace to even be apart of this story. Wake up every day and thank God for allowing you to be apart of His day and His story. See value exactly where are you, knowing that is where God wants you.

I miss my mom terribly every day. And some days more than others. It would be amazing if I got to see her and talk to her when ever I wanted. But losing my mom has allowed me to see and understand God's perfect grace. God worked in me in ways that I can't even come close to understanding. But I am so thankful that He did.